eleveninches, I am very very very very sorry for being so very very very very late with this.
Seriously, to remix one of eleveninches's stories, I basically had 3 choices: Play it straight (boring!), hit up the angst (not my thing, so much), or find a way to truly salute the cracktasticness of Them Other Boys Don't Know How to Act. I chose the latter.
Title: Socially Acceptable Behavior (The White Men Can't Rap Remix)
Rating: Oh, it's NC-17.
Original Story: Them Other Boys Don't Know How to Act by eleveninches. It was an honor and a pleasure and once again...I'm sorry. Possibly for more than being late.
Notes: Many thanks for wychwood for the fantastic check on my rhythm and syllables, wojelah for getting me through the end when my brain failed, and reccea and raisintorte for listening to me whine and carry on.
Ladies and Germs, I proudly present, in complete limerick form:
Socially Acceptable Behavior (The White Men Can't Rap Remix)
There once was a fellow named Lucius,
Considered the modern Confucius.
Our Heroes all fell
But for John's lack of smell,
They all would have married that moochus.
The antidote brought them much shame,
And a liberal helping of blame
John acted the ass
'Cause he'd had a free pass,
And Rodney resented that claim.
For Rodney still harbored a shameful fear,
So he asked the doc, with a nervous leer,
"Were you upset to learn?
"That you secretly yearn,
"For Lucius's lushly curved rear?"
For Carson had shown off a handstand
To gain the man's favor, as planned,
But Carson just laughed
And said, "Rodney, you're daft!
"Or at least like those kids in that band."
"That's completely untrue," Rodney glowered.
"As a hetero, I'm very empowered."
"My desire for ass is
"Much less than Lance Bass's!"
Then he stomped off, his mood deftly soured.
He decided to aim his next query
At the man who'd blown his last theory
Which was maybe not wise
But McKay'd won the prize
For not thinking things through when too weary.
"When L had you under his spell?
"Did you then like men just as well?
"As the cute little tops
"Our boss always cops
"That you've said that you think are just swell?"
"Rodney," sighed Radek, "Don't lie,
"You know I'm the cream in your pie,
"But, alas, I'm above,
"Your pitiful love -
"My bed rings with Elizabeth's cry."
"That was more than I wanted to know,"
Said McKay with a brief mental show
Of the Czech on his knees
And Elizabeth's pleas
And returned to his own grief and woe.
Then Sheppard appeared to review
All Rodney's blunders, (just a few!),
Like the jumper he gave
When Lucius's slave
And that gave him his very first clue.
There had been a few drops of potion
To set Rodney's plan into motion.
Took a draught after lunch
Washed it down with some punch,
And he had a new use for his lotion.
Not long after, when called in to brief
He realized with abject relief
That John was still hot
And Rodney did not
Have to face their erstwhile chief.
He kept his eyes fixed on the colonel
And thought certain thoughts, not-fraternal
He could not forget
About Radek's duet
And hoped not to find it nocturnal.
They marched Lucius back to his world
Where fruit and invective were hurled.
Ronon grunted a threat
That made Lucius sweat
Then back again home they were whirled.
It was then that Rodney was caught.
By Sheppard's erstwhile thought
To make his room clean
Since he'd previously seen
The mess Rodney's laziness wrought.
Ronon was grumpy indeed,
And Teyla might cause him to bleed.
Carson's curses was vivid,
And Weir's face was livid
So he swore to burn all of the weed.
He returned to his room most displeased
But found Sheppard mostly appeased
By the stacking of books
And the dusting of nooks
And all of the mess neatly seized.
"Gee," Rodney said, "that's just swell.
"And do you drool at the sound of a bell?
"You've hid all my stuff
"And that's gonna get tough,
"When that stuff I drank starts to dispel."
"Rodney, you're acting so weird,"
John said, rubbing his five o'clock beard.
He had yet to swoon
Could he be immune?
Or had Rodney been always revered?
"I'm not the one holding a broom,
"You're the one cleaning my room,"
Rodney said with great sense
But the air had gone tense,
And he felt the rise of his doom.
Chattering on was his nervous default
Once started, he could never halt
"I quaffed that mind-control brew,
"To be attractive to you,"
And braced for a deadly assault.
It's not that he thought John was scary.
The man adored that stupid Hail Mary.
And staged light saber battles
With sticks and mock-cattle
But it never did hurt to be wary.
"You did what?" John, startled, shouted
And Rodney knew when he was routed.
He retreated a pace
And yelled, "Not in the face!"
But it was too late - he'd been outed.
But John didn't seem to be violent.
In fact, he was transfixed and silent.
Then he kissed Rodney's mouth
And headed due south,
And Rodney was strangely compliant.
Sheppard clearly had done this before
A fact Rodney chose to ignore
Along with the complaints
And requests for restraints
Which dimmed Rodney's longing to score.
John's back was a sumptuous temptation
Which Rodney touched with elation
But, "Come on my face,"
Made Rodney lose pace
And yell at John in frustration:
"Why must you talk like a porn star?
"Not that you're not up to par,
"But it's kind of wacky
"And totally tacky,
"And sometimes it's just a cigar."
John grinned while Rodney was stewing
And said, "We can start with some screwing."
He turned on to his belly
Rodney's knees went to jelly
He didn't know what he was doing.
But Rodney was good with a guess
And so with a push and a poke and a press,
He got through his first screw
Without too much ado
And only a handful of mess.
Rodney's brain had turned into goo
But recollection was long overdue.
He remembered the draught
And had a terrible thought,
"Oh God," he said, awed. "I raped you."
"Because clearly I could not resist,"
Said John with a flick of his wrist.
"Let's go get some food
"I'm not in the mood
"To hear your bad deeds reminisced."
"No really," Rodney said, in the hall
"Your mouth's filthy, I fondly recall."
Lorne glanced over and fled;
Rodney shrugged and then said,
"So when is our next booty call?"
"But wait!" Rodney paused in alarm
"Did you DO that on your crazy stud farm?
"Or wherever it was,
"Wait don't tell me because
"Knowing could cause physical harm."
"You know," John said with a glare,
"I've had it about up to there."
You were cute when we screwed,
But seriously, dude,
The potion's worn off now, I swear."
"Oh, yes, right," said Rodney, quite peeved,
"When convenient, you've just been deceived."
John rolled his eyes
And reached for the fries
"THOSE ARE MINE, Rodney said, much aggrieved.
John promised to bid his goodbyes
To every one of those past other guys.
Rodney felt his heart melt
And liked how it felt
So he gave John his fucking French fries.